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Theatrical Structure: 
  • Producer- Leaps tall buildings in a single bound. Is more powerful than a locomotive. Is faster than a speeding bullet. Walks on water. Gives policy to God. 
  • Director- Leaps short buildings in a single bound. Is more powerful than a switch engine. Is just as fast as a speeding bullet. Walks on water if the sea is calm. Talks with God. 
  • Playwright- Leaps short buildings with a running start. Is almost as powerful as a switch engine. Is faster than a speeding bullet. Swims well. Is occasionally addressed by God. 
  • Actor- Makes high marks on the wall when trying to leap buildings. Is run over by locomotives. Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury. Dog paddles. Talks to animals. 
  • Chorus Member- Falls over doorsteps when trying to enter buildings. Says "Look at the choo-choo." Wets himself with a water pistol. Plays in mud puddles. Mumbles to himself. 
  • Stage Manager- Lifts buildings and walks under them. Kicks locomotives off the track. Catches speeding bullets in his teeth and eats them. Freezes water with a single glance. *IS* God.

Theatrical Logic: 
In is down, down is front. Out is up, up is back. Off is out, on is in. And of course, left is right and right is left. A drop shouldn't and a 'block and fall' does neither. A prop doesn't and a cove has no water. Tripping is OK. A running crew rarely gets anywhere . A purchase line buys you nothing. A trap will not catch anything. A gridiron has nothing to do with football. Strike is work (in fact, a lot of work). And a green room, thank God, usually isn't. Now that you're fully versed in theatrical terms, break a leg. But not really.

Q: How many actors does it take to change a light bulb? 
A: None. Complain to the director at notes. 
Q: How many directors does it take to change a light bulb? 
A: None. Give a note to the stage manager to fix it! 
Q: How many stage managers does it take to change a light bulb? 
A: None. Pull the technical director off a set installation to deal with it. 
Q: How many technical directors does it take to change a light bulb? 
A: None. Call the master electrician at home to fix it. 
Q: How many master electricians does it take to change a light bulb? 
A: We don't change bulbs, only halogen lamps. It's a props problem. 
Q: How many props masters does it take to change a light bulb? 
A: Light bulb?! When did they even get a lamp? 
Q: How many theater critics does it take to screw in a light bulb? 
A: All of them - one to be highly critical of the design elements, one to express contempt for the glow of the lamp, one to lambast the interpretation of wattage used, one to critique the performance of the bulb itself, one to recall superb light bulbs of past seasons and lament how this one fails to measure up, and all to join in the refrain, reflecting on how they could build a better light bulb in their sleep. 
Q: How many theater students does it take to screw in a light bulb? 
A: Erm, what's the deadline? I may need an extension. 
Q: How many audience members does it take to change a light bulb? 
A: Three. One to do it, one child to cry and another to say, "ROSE, HE'S CHANGING THE LIGHT BULB." 
Q: How many interns does it take to change a light bulb? 
A: It doesn't matter, because you'll have to do it again, anyway. 
Q: How many directors does it take to change a light bulb? 
A: 4... no, make that 3... on second thought 4... well, better make it 5, just to be safe. 
Q: How many assistant directors does it take to change a light bulb? 
A: One. But s/he has to check with the director first to make sure he wants the bulb there. 
Q: How many producers does it take to change a light bulb? 
A: None. Why do we need another light bulb? 
Q: How many stage managers does it take to change a light bulb? 
A1: I DON'T CARE!!! JUST DO IT!!! 
Q: How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb? 
A: LAMP! It's called a LAMP, you idiot! 
Q: How many lighting designers does it take to change a light bulb? 
A: None. Where's my assistant? 
Q: How many technicians does it take to screw in a light bulb? 
A: Two, if they can find a lamp big enough and figure out how to get inside it. 
Q: How many actors does it take to change a light bulb? 
A1: None. "Doesn't the stage manager do that?" 
A2: None. They can never find their light. 


An actress, a costumer and a stage manager found an old bottle in a pile of junk backstage. The actress rubbed it against her sleeve, and poof! A genie appeared. 
"You got me fair and square," the genie said. "So you each get one wish." 
"I want a world tour in a starring role," the actress declared. 
"Granted," said the genie, and poof! The actress was off on her tour. 
"I want a yacht and unlimited funds to cruise the exotic ports of the world," wished the costumer. 
"Granted," said the genie, and poof! The costumer was off on his cruise. 
The stage manager rubbed his chin, thought for a minute and said, "I want them back after lunch."